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In my case, there was a great deal of back and forth at first. The first true awakening happened at 22. It didn’t become stabilized until ten years ago at age 60. I don’t call it enlightened. I don’t really identify with any of these terms or any others. The awakening experience is beyond a separate self identity. But, for the sake of the limited words we are using, let’s call it that. It is awakening from the dream of being a separate person in the a world of separate beings
From what I have heard, Ramana Maharshi awakened at 16 and didn’t experience the back and forth. In fact he remained in silence for about ten years. Eckhart Tolle also didn’t seem to have much back and forth after his awakening. That has not been my experience. Neither way is better or worse. It’s just what it is.
We learn a great deal from this back and forth. The world of the dream of separation and separate self identity is enormously constricting and confining. Once we are free of it, we realize how horrible it feels when it returns. This horrible feeling is contrasted with this enormous freedom, peace, love and bliss in the awakened state. Eventually, for me it took almost forty years, this awakened state stabilizes.
Many people have experienced some level of this freedom on silent meditation retreats. When they return to their “normal” life, this state of freedom seems to fade away. That’s the back and forth. What’s really happening is that we have become distracted by our conditioned thoughts. This awakened state is actually always here. It does not fade away. It can’t. It’s the fundamental reality of life and what we are. The experience of separation is only an illusion, a dream. It has never been real. But this conditioning is continuous and very powerful. It takes some time to let go of our attachment to it. That letting go is the back and forth.
Ramana and Eckhart experienced such powerful awakenings that all attachment was burned up in that moment. This experience is rare. Most of us experience this back and forth. I’m not saying it has to take as long as it did for me. Hopefully you will not be quite as slow and stubborn as I was. It’s all about letting go of the dream. “Dying before you die” is a good way to put it. We die completely from the dream in order to awaken. As long as we are willing to let go of attachment and resistance to everything, self and the world, it can happen in a flash with no back and forth as it did for Ramana and Eckhart Tolle. Most of us are lot more stubborn, attached and resistant. I was in that boat. But it’s not necessary.
I hope for you it happens exactly as it should. And of course it can’t happen any other way.
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Ah, yes — Chaitanya Peter Cutler is a contemporary spiritual teacher and artist who integrates the core teachings of Advaita Vedanta with a deep, experiential emphasis on direct realization of awareness. His teachings are grounded in nonduality (Advaita) and draw inspiration from great sages like Ramana Maharshi, Papaji (Poonjaji), and Nisargadatta Maharaj.
Here’s a concise summary of Chaitanya Peter Cutler’s Advaita perspective, in bullet points with key quotes and themes:
🕉️ Chaitanya Peter Cutler – Advaita Essentials
🌟 Core Focus: Direct Experience of True Self (Awareness)
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Emphasizes awakening not as a concept but as direct, living truth.
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Awakening is immediate and always available, not a distant goal.
“What you truly are is already awake. Just stop believing that you're not.”
🔍 Key Teachings & Insights
🧘♂️ 1. You Are Awareness
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The ego, body, and thoughts are appearances in awareness.
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You are not a person seeking awakening — you are the awakened presence itself.
“Awareness is not something you attain — it's what you are when the illusion drops.”
🕯️ 2. Silence is the Gateway
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Silence is not merely absence of sound — it's the presence of Being.
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Deep stillness reveals the nature of the Self.
“Silence is the greatest teacher — it speaks directly to your essence.”
🌀 3. Undoing the Illusion of the ‘Me’
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The “I” that suffers, seeks, and struggles is a thought-construct.
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Liberation arises when the illusion of a separate self is seen through completely.
“When there is no ‘me’, there is only peace.”
🛤️ Sadhana According to Chaitanya
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Self-inquiry: Who or what am I really?
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Letting go of effort: Resting in being, not seeking.
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Abiding as awareness: Noticing that awareness is unchanging through all experience.
“The practice is not to become aware — but to stop identifying with what you’re not.”
🎨 Art as Awakening
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Cutler’s paintings reflect the energy of presence and can be used for meditative absorption.
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His creative work is an expression of the formless through form.
Would you like a reading list, quotes collection, or a guided inquiry based on his approach?
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The very first time, I was barely meditating at all. I had just begun. It came as a complete surprise and I didn’t have a clue what had happened, although I loved it. Just pure peace, love and bliss.
What you are experiencing is what most of us experience as we begin to awaken from this dream of a separate self and thought perceived world. It does even out and we become rooted in our awakened nature, but it takes come time. Mooji describes it as a fan that is switched off. The fan blades continue rotating for awhile even without power. Eventually they stop. So it is with our conditioned minds. At first we had no experience of our True Self. The power of the conditioned mind is on full. Then we get our first glimpse. The power is turned down. When we have enough glimpses or a very powerful glimpse, the power of the conditioned mind is turned off. We realize our True Self and have no doubt of it, even though we can’t describe it in thoughts. But, like the fan, the conditioned mind keeps coming back, but slower and slower until it stops. We have access to the thoughts of the conditioned mind when they are useful, but we no longer believe them. They are now simply tools and no longer the master.
So the fan blades do stop turning eventually. This all happens organically. Of course we continue our spiritual practices and meditation. Our focus turns more and more to our spiritual life and less and less to the distractions of the conditioned mind and whatever triggers it. This all happens very naturally. It’s not our doing or decisions, even though while we still believe a separate self it may seem so. Slowly we naturally let all that go and relax into the infinite freedom, peace, love and bliss of our True Original Nature.
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