AWC
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In July 2019 I had a major breakthrough, discovering how to observe myself, the observer, not anything observed. This is not a new discovery: this method is as old as humanity. What prevented me from understanding it since age 21 when I first stumbled across it, was my erroneous perception, caused by thought, that I had to observe the “I” in front of me. This is the basic human error, the notion that there is two of us: I, and the “me” that I know. This “me" is my ideas of myself: consisting of body, mind, the contents of mind, emotions, my past, present and future. Like a picture of food, “me” cannot satisfy real hunger and is the reason for the deplorable state of our beautiful planet. It turns every genuine impulse into an impostor. It is the reason so many of us feel like fakes.
The strange thing about reality is this: for everything that is real and actually exists, there is a counterfeit. The primary counterfeit currency, in which we all deal and unfortunately become lost, is language, the written word, the conscious voice in our heads. The Bible describes this fakery so beautifully in its allegorical story of the Garden of Eden, and the result: expulsion from Eden. This is because we all eat the forbidden fruit, from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.
In reality we are all a part of an indivisible whole. I am a part of everything and everything is a part of me. This means I, awareness, never acts, in the same way that the tooth never bites itself.
Unfortunately, believing this (which is to use words incorrectly, to eat the forbidden fruit) plunges people into darkness. The basic problem is that everyone confuses themselves with their minds. Mind is the observed. The observer is awareness, which observes mind. To discover the genuine article, that we are all one, part of one indivisible whole, it is necessary to withdraw attention from what is in front of you, and place it on yourself, the observer, instead. This leads to the self-discovery that you are awareness, and that awareness is the One: Everything, everyone. It also leads to the discovery that you never act. You can't act, anymore than the tooth can bite itself. There is nothing to act upon, nothing to control. The entire Universe is like one giant tooth. It can't bite itself.
Then, what acts? Who acts? The mind acts. The mind is a giant programmable quantum computer. Once it has learned something, it acts automatically. It reacts automatically. Like a virtual reality headset with the switch in the “on” position, it will keep running the same scripts forever, till you, the observer, discover the off-switch. These scripts appear very real, for they are superimposed on material reality.
One off-switch is self-awareness, also known as self-observation. When you become aware of yourself, the observing subject, not something you observe in front of you, you have found the off-switch. Every time you succeed you will notice that all your mental reactions are suspended. Eventually you click and realize you aren't a doer at all. The body and the mind are doers. You are just an impartial observer.
Self-observation is usually described as an impartial awareness of everything that is happening inside you and outside you. This is actually the goal of self-awareness, not the method. The method is to forget all about what appears to be the problem, forget about impartial awareness (as if though you could ever will it!) and become aware of yourself, the observer (subject). Then you discover what impartial awareness actually means.
It is due to this self-discovery that I have now created this profile and decided to spread the message. My dream is that everyone will one day understand self-awareness, and thus transfigure this world into a home of unconditional love, unconditional freedom, and unconditional happiness. I don't presume to have all the answers but those I have learnt I gladly share.
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The problem isn’t how to stop creating thoughts, but how to stop controlling thoughts. Why do you want to control your thoughts? This is an existential question that cannot be answered intellectually.
Answering intellectually doesn't resolve this problem.
You could be thinking a million miles a minute and your mind remains perfectly empty. In Zen this is known as thinking without thinking. A mind that remains perfectly empty even though you are thinking hard, feels like no-mind. It is quite appropriate to refer to such perfect emptiness, no centre as the “me”, as no-mind. This is because mind is its mental contents.
The paradox is thinking while not thinking. If mind is its mental contents and you are thinking hard, why does it feel as if your mind is empty? Why does it feel as if mind is not?
To understand why you want to control your thoughts and why you are controlling, editing out, filtering, your thoughts and experiences, you must understand authority. Who or what authority?
The authority is the idea, ideal, value or belief, that you take in, make your own, and from which you then operate. Taking in what you are reading here, making it your own, and operating from these ideas is not superior to taking in any other ideas, such as fundamentalist Christian ideas, making them your own, and operating from them. Both are authorities and both make for the universal phenomenon that all humans experience, of trying to control, filter and edit out what they think and experience.
If you pick up any idea and you operate from it, which really means you are identifying with certain ideas, while rejecting their opposites, the idea, the authority, becomes more important than Now. Now becomes a means to an end.
Say you are told to watch your breath in meditation. This idea, that you should watch your breath, relegates Now as a means to an end: watching the breath. The idea, “I must watch my breath”, becomes the centre of action, from which you watch your breath. Now you have to watch out, make sure that you aren't engaged in not watching your breath. Thus control, manipulation, editing out, and filtering of Now arises. Time is introduced by the authority. One day when I can watch my breath perfectly, I will be enlightened. Therefore there is manipulation, control, separation, contradiction, and conflict, inwardly and outwardly.
The authority - the idea or set of ideas from which you operate - creates a feature in the mind called polarity. The idea as an authority, contains a shadow, which is in opposition to this authority. Your identification with the authority makes you, the separate sense of self, with its shadow. Once the self is established, as this “I-ness”, separate from your “you-ness”, due to the embrace of authority, any authority, the self casts a shadow. This shadow must of course now be avoided, as it is anathema, in opposition, contradiction and conflict, to my idea, belief, ideology, value or utopia.
From this self arises the need to understand the subconscious and unconscious layers of the human mind: shadow work. The eminent psychiatrist Dr Carl Gustav Jung coined the term “shadow” for our age. He used to say, “Would you rather be whole or good? Being good is only one half of being whole”.
In the introduction to Debbie Ford’s beautiful, worthy book, “The dark side of the light chasers”, the following is penned which summarises the problem of the authority - the idea you take on as your own and from which you act:
“Shadow work has been around for the longest time. It is the very essence of the religious impulse, where traditionally we have sought a balance between the light and dark. Remember Lucifer, who at one time was the brightest of the angels? His fall is the temptation we all meet. We are continually called upon to be morally aware lest we come under the influence of the dark side.”
You don't need to be religious to come under the influence of the dark side. Doing something as innocuous as identfying with your job, and being proud of it, places you under the influence of the dark side. Picking up a single idea, something you read here, for instance, and making it your authority, thinking this is cool, I must apply it, creates the idea’s shadow, which you must therefore now avoid.
This problem, of the authority, is described in the allegorical story of the Garden of Eden in Genesis. The Bible doesn't say the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the centre of the Garden is evil, forbidden. What is forbidden is to eat from its fruit. The authority, the idea, thought, thinking really hard, is not problematic. The problem is picking up one or more ideas, identfying them with “I” who am reading this, and thinking: “This is me. This is part of who I am”. From this arises the idea’s shadow: control, manipulation, judgment, condemnation, separation, disorder and conflict, inwardly and outwardly.
Once caught in the authority, the way back to the Tree of Life is guarded by the authority, which poses under the guise of good and wholesomeness. This is cherubim, the seemingly good angel - the authority, yet another idea you take on to protect and to preserve you, the sense of being a person, individual or personality - from harm. What is really happening, is that you are unknowingly blocking your own way back to the Tree of Life, which is your birthright. The Tree of Life is the direct knowledge, the experiencing, of your own immortality.
The way back to the Tree of Life doesn't lie through your mind. Having embraced any authority, the sense of I arises, which cannot extinguish itself. The very nature of I is to seek immortality. But immortality doesn't lie in I: it lies in the absence of I. I must perish on the Cross for all of humanity, in order to resurrect the awareness of immortality and sit at the right hand of the Father.
What can be done, then? Firstly, it is essential to understand that the human mind and thought, while pretty amazing and very useful, are not highest. Behind the human mind is awareness, the very awareness taking in these words. This awareness is highest: It is the image and likeness of God. Don't identify this awareness, who is looking, with any thought, such as body, mind, background, vocation, memories, personality or any authority (idea). In fact, the first way out is to separate them. Keep separating them, not intellectually, but by bringing attention back to who is looking, thinking and feeling, instead of paying attention to what is seen, thought and felt. It is entirely appropriate, and very useful, to engage yourself this way in meditation for a year or two. See what happens when you do.
The second way out, which is the opposite of what is said in the preceding paragrah, is to pay attention directly to every unpleasant emotion and unpleasant sensation. Try to bring every unpleasant emotion and sensation into clear awareness, while letting go of what is on your mind. This implies that you must be able to distinguish your emotions and unpleasant sensations, felt inside your body, below your neck, from what is going on upstairs, inside your head, as thought. If you cannot do this yet, then practice the first method, bringing attention back to awareness: who is looking, who is thinking, who is feeling, who is experiencing everything. Keep doing this till you are able to distinguish thoughts from reality.
It is easy enough to distinguish verbal thoughts from reality. However, what is poorly understood, and must be recognised directly by each person, are those non-verbal thoughts that arise from verbal thought and non-verbal cues in the environment. These arise automatically, without any intervention, inside the brain, being of a visual, image nature, masquerading as reality. These image complexes, which are intimately related to your brain's unique wiring, are superimposed on reality. It is like putting on a virtual headset. The result is the Fall: you toil by the sweat of your brow and you know birth and death. The result is that you don't experience the perfection of God's creation. What you experience instead, is what is not there, and not what is there.
So, you need to drop all authority, and you need to directly detect those thoughts in your own brain, that pose as reality. You must drop both.
The two techniques are also authorities. Of course. Therefore they initially perpetuate the sense of self, separate from other selves. However, if you use them only to orient your attention in one of the two ways described, awareness will destroy these authorities too. You begin seeing and experiencing what your mind is not superimposing on reality. This must be experienced directly to be believed. You must undertake this journey for yourself. Each person must do so for herself, by herself. Nobody can do it for you. This journey is not through your mind: the authority.
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Sellf- awareness is who or what body and mind appear to, not awareness of body and mind as the self, as defined by the dictionary.
Merriam-Websters specifically defines self-awareness as “an awareness of one’s own personality or individuality”. This is the idea that I am my body and mind: a being of form. The form of this being is the body (individuality) and mind (personality) that I am.
But notice: I am over here (subject), and my body and mind are apparently “things” - objects - I (subject) am aware of. Therefore, if I accept that I am them, there are ostensibly two of me: I (subject) and body-mind (composite object) who I now supposedly am.
Eckhart Tolle's enlightenment consists entirely of seeing through this massive self-created problem in a flash. In the introduction to his beautiful book, “The Power of Now”, he writes:
One night not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up in the early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it had ever been. The silence of the night, the vague outlines of the furniture in the dark room, the distant noise of a passing train — everything felt so alien, so hostile, and so utterly meaningless that it created in me a deep loathing of the world. The most loathsome thing of all, however, was my own existence. What was the point in continuing to live with this burden of misery? Why carry on with this continuous struggle? I could feel that a deep longing for annihilation, for nonexistence, was now becoming much stronger than the instinctive desire to continue to live.
“I cannot live with myself any longer.” This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. “Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the ‘I’ and the ‘self’ that ‘I’ cannot live with.” “Maybe,” I thought, “only one of them is real.”
I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped. I was fully conscious, but there were no more thoughts. Then I felt drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was a slow movement at first and then accelerated. I was gripped by an intense fear, and my body started to shake. I heard the words “resist nothing,” as if spoken inside my chest. I could feel myself being sucked into a void. It felt as if the void was inside myself rather than outside. Suddenly, there was no more fear, and I let myself fall into that void. I have no recollection of what happened after that.
When the mind stops two become one: the illusion that I (subject) can be other than subject - an object, being the body and mind - drops. Body and mind are now seen directly to be mere concepts. The ineffable reality doesn't comprise of separate, interrelated things. There are no things. There is only the One. Concepts are seen for what they are, as mere ideas, and not the realities they are always attempting to replace. As if though we can actually know ANYTHING! Impossible!
So, how do you get this self-awareness?
Forget about what you are aware of. Specifically, don't pay the slightest attention to your own body, mind, thoughts and feelings. They are irrelevant. Instead, observe who or what these apparent things - none of which really exist except as self-defeating, self-imprisoning concepts - appear to.
Who or what do body and mind appear to? They always appear to I who am observing them. Cultivate awareness of I.
Don't define I. Don't try to figure out who or what I am. See what happens when I try to figure out who I am and I arrive at a definition (just another concept!) The definition is a mental object of which I (subject) am aware, so once again I have missed myself. I have given power to the enemy.
The great adversary (called Satan in the Bible) is how I have defined myself and who I now therefore think I am. For all these are objects of which I (subject) am aware. So therefore they are all not-I (anatta). Anatta means: not-self.
Why is this important? Because by defining who I am, I am limiting myself. I now confine who I am and what I may and may not do and be, to my definition. Furthermore, all “things” - including this supposed “body-mind” - have a beginning and end. So, as long as I identify in any form or manner with them, the physical body's fight-flight-freeze-fawn survival responses are triggered over and over, causing all the misery in the world!
You be different. Cultivate awareness of yourself as subject.
The purpose of this self-awareness is mental inaction, mental non-reactivity, and action that is not a reaction. This mental non-reactivity is unconditional freedom: freedom from all forms, and freedom from all self-imposed limitation.
To arrive at mental inaction, and action that is not a reaction, there must first be awareness of my mental reactions, and their massive impact on my life. I think my feelings are caused by others: specifically what they say and do to me. I think my feelings are caused by my circumstances and untoward, undesirable events. Meanwhile, all my feelings are actually caused by my own mental reactions to people, circumstances, events and my environment.
Bringing attention back to I whenever I suffer, in and out of meditation, I see my mental reactions, and I see what they do to me. I see what I am doing against myself. Seeing this, I see the alternative. By learning not to react at all, and how to act without any undercurrents of reactivity in my actions, I lose my fear of people, circumstances, events and my environment. I gradually come to see I am invulnerable and indestructible. My body's fight-flight-freeze-fawn survival responses become completely turned off. I lose my mental and emotional dependence on people, circumstances, events and the environment to feel good. The day comes when I no longer wonder what it takes to feel good. I now realize that everything that now happens to me makes me feel good. Regardless of what happens, I feel good. This is complete freedom from all suffering.
Once this self-awareness is firmly established, positive action without any undercurrent of reactivity can easily be learnt by directed, focused attention on a meditation subject of choice. Do not allow the current of intention coupled with carefully directed attention to divide this immensely powerful healing current by giving rise to thoughts and feelings of doubt: doubt in yourself, and doubt in the power of your practice. Allow the current of attention to be totally undivided. This is the power of mindfulness: to be so totally attentive that unhappiness of any kind is absolutely impossible.
If, in the process of directing attention, doubt and mistrust are felt, bring attention to bear on the source of attention (I, beyond definition), to ensure that I don't react to these feelings. Then they magically vanish, feeding the power of this mindfulness: complete, undivided attention.
In the mental mirror of my mind, there appear to be two of me: I (subject, awareness) and what I see in the mirror (a composite object: body-mind, thoughts-feelings). But only one of them is real: who is looking, not what is seen. Pay attention to who is looking. Completely and ruthlessly destroy the self-defeating self-image in the mirror of mind. When I am One, when only one of me remains (who is looking), Nirvana is seen: that Life and Reality are perfect, and always were perfect.
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