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The Second Arrow of Suffering
We all have had something upsetting or disappointing happen, and sometimes we get frustrated at ourselves or others. We wish things could be different. Our interpretation of events plays a large role in how we experience them. For example, someone at work or home left a stack of dirty dishes in the sink. You notice it and have an immediate reaction of annoyance. What often happens next is we think, “they are always leaving a mess for me to clean up, how many times have I asked them to clean up after themselves, they clearly don’t care for me at all, why am I always unappreciated.” We can go quickly from a situation — someone annoys us, our arm hurts, we’re coming down with a cold — to developing all kinds of emotions and thoughts that have little to do with the original issue.
Two Arrows
The parable of the second arrow is a Buddhist parable about dealing with suffering more skillfully. The Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way. Being struck by an arrow is painful. Being struck by a second arrow is even more painful.
The Buddha explained:
“In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”
Picture yourself walking through a forest. Suddenly, you’re hit by an arrow. The first arrow is an actual bad event, which can cause pain. But it isn’t over yet. There is a second arrow. The second arrow brings more pain and suffering. Can you avoid the second one? The second arrow represents our reaction to the bad event. It’s the manner in which we choose to respond emotionally. I recently talked to a friend of mine who was at home with her sick family. She, her husband, and their two young sons were all sick with COVID and in various stages of sickness and recovery. She noticed her reaction to being ill — it felt wrong and unfair, she was a runner and shouldn’t have been stuck with this virus. Her sons, however, were playing when they had a little energy and resting when they felt unwell. They took the illness in stride and responded to how they were feeling at the time. They didn’t enjoy being sick but didn’t beat themselves up mentally with talks of what should and should not have been. They were dealing with the first arrow, not the second one.
Avoid the Second Arrow
So, how do you avoid the second arrow? First, notice the first arrow. When you are in emotional pain, allow yourself to feel it. You may notice your arrows in other ways, like frustration, irritation, and emotional or physical pain. Next, become aware and notice your emotional reaction. Maybe it is a desire to yell or complain to someone. Maybe you get angry with yourself and turn your emotions inward, feeling like you aren’t good enough or that there is something wrong with you. This is the second arrow. Catch yourself adding more pain and suffering. Finally, give yourself credit for recognizing and avoiding the second arrow. You are learning a new response. You can free up energy for circumstances you can control. However, you can also always adjust your reaction, even if you can’t control what happens to you.
We probably find ourselves dealing with the second arrow of suffering many times during the day. The story is not about denying our initial reaction, but to have a choice of how to proceed. Over time, being aware of this choice, and refraining from shooting endless second arrows at ourselves, can help free us of much unnecessary suffering.
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Second Arrow Syndrome: How We Multiply our Own Suffering, and How We Might Avoid It
Spiritual traditions are big on fables. One of my favorites comes from the Sallatha Sutta in the Buddhist tradition.
When touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, were to shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pains of two arrows; in the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental.
I find myself easily frustrated these days, and it has everything to do with making myself suffer because I’m suffering. I inadvertently double down on my suffering.
This happens to all of us: we get hit with arrows every day — arrows of disappointment, arrows of loss and sorrow, arrows of dissatisfaction. Then we feel bad about feeling bad, and we shoot ourselves with a second arrow. We feel bad, then we feel worse. We spiral, and exhaust ourselves.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
The Problem is Pleasure
If I am really honest with myself, most of my stress, frustration, and lashing out comes from a feeling of discomfort. But it’s not the discomfort itself, it is my bad feeling about discomfort that creates problems.
I am so obsessed with pleasure and comfort, that I cannot even handle the thought of discomfort or pain. I contort myself in myriad ways to avoid them. And that is precisely the problem. Because in my push to chase pleasure and comfort for so long, I have robbed myself of one of the most beneficial traits that anyone can have: being able to accept and work through discomfort and pain.
And I am not alone. I am surrounded by fellow pleasure seekers, who’s inclination toward satisfaction and desire for continuous pleasure are being constantly reinforce by a deluge of media and marketing efforts. We swipe left and right, we refresh, and reframe. We skip past the waiting, we circumvent moments alone and moments of silent unstimulated introspection. We inadvertently block ourselves from becoming something more resembling whole.
A Step Toward a Solution: Favor Discomfort
The more I think about all this, the more I think that rather than pursue comfort and pleasure, I should favor discomfort. What I mean by that is that when I am presented with a choice to expend the effort to pursue pleasure or to allow pain and discomfort, I should choose the latter.
And this is not to punish myself, or to go full bore into the land of ascetic self-denial. It is merely to practice at something that I am currently terrible at doing. It is exercise, but exercise for my spirit. The hope is that by becoming more, well, comfortable with discomfort, I will not feel so on edge all the time. If I don’t feel on edge all of the time, I won’t do things I’ll later regret — which I only did thinking that they’d make me feel better.
In short, by becoming okay with discomfort, I can become a better person.
Because at the end of the day, the cycle ends up being the same. You feel badly for some reason or another. So you attempt to soothe yourself with something that makes you feel pleasure. But that pleasure is short-lived. And usually, that thing that you relied on for the pleasure was actually the kind of thing that harms you long term. It sets you back in achieving a long-term goal, or it breaks a promise to someone (or to yourself), or it is just plain unethical.
So really, it is in becoming okay with discomfort that we can come to be better people, and to achieve more. And we become more comfortable with the kind of things that others wouldn’t be. So we become stronger. And on this, we can build.
Only One Arrow
Going forward, I will try to embrace discomfort. I will make due with less, and toss away the urgency to try to soothe any little feeling of desire or deficit that I have. I will most certainly be hit by arrows, but I will not shoot myself with any.
This is not “being hard on myself” — if anything, it is the opposite. Most of the “second arrows” we are hit with are the direct result of too many desires — which have become expectations. When we expect something — especially something that will give us pleasure — and we don’t get it, we inflict even more pain on ourselves.
So the best way to avoid that second arrow is to pinpoint that moment when your desires become expectations. Desire all you want, but don’t let that desire turn into an expectation. All that expectation is is more weight on you, and it adds up. You continue to put weight on yourself — expecting too much from yourself and others. And if anything, that’s being hard on yourself. Learning to expect less — and even desire a bit less — is actually going easier on yourself. But that’s the weird thing: it’s actually really hard to go easy on yourself.
So do the hard thing, and go easier on yourself. You’ll have a much lighter spirit as a result.
Lahiri Mahasaya was against organizations and rituals (pujas). He said practicing Kriya is the true study of the Vedas and the true performance of the Rituals.
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