Here are 20 Bob Monkhouse–style one-liners (kept in his clean, classic British observational/comedy style rather than exact quotes):
- “Age is merely mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
- “I’m not saying I’m old, but my birth certificate is in Roman numerals.”
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need… if I die by 4 o’clock this afternoon.”
- “My wife says I never listen… or something like that.”
- “I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
- “I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me.”
- “I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’”
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
- “I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
- “I bought a memory foam mattress… I can’t remember why I liked it.”
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
- “I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable.”
- “I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.”
- “I went to buy camouflage trousers, but I couldn’t find any.”
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
- “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
- “I’m in shape… round is a shape.”
- “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKats.”
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
If you want, I can make them darker, more modern, or more like his actual stage patter (slightly punchier and more showbiz-style).
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