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Here’s a summary with bullet points and key quotes from “Are You Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the Science of Adult Attachment Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love” by Jessamy Hibberd:
🔍 Core Summary (Bullet Points)
🧠 Attachment Theory Basics
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Adult attachment styles are shaped by early childhood experiences with caregivers.
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These styles influence how we relate in romantic relationships—how we seek closeness, deal with conflict, and handle emotional needs.
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The three main attachment styles:
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Anxious – crave closeness, fear abandonment, highly sensitive to relationship cues.
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Avoidant – value independence, uncomfortable with too much closeness, suppress emotions.
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Secure – comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicate effectively.
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❤️ How Attachment Impacts Love
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People tend to unconsciously choose partners who reinforce their existing attachment patterns.
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Anxious + Avoidant is a common but problematic pairing — one clings, the other withdraws.
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Secure individuals help regulate their partner’s attachment system and promote healthier dynamics.
🔄 Changing Attachment Styles
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Attachment styles aren’t fixed — with awareness and intentional work, people can shift toward security.
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Key tools for change:
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Self-awareness of patterns and triggers
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Learning to self-soothe
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Choosing secure relationships or partners
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Rewriting internal narratives from childhood
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🛠️ Strategies to Become More Secure
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Notice and challenge your “attachment narrative” (e.g., “I’m unlovable” or “I can’t rely on others”).
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Practice emotional regulation techniques (e.g., journaling, mindfulness, naming emotions).
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Communicate needs clearly, without blame or shame.
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Seek partners who provide emotional safety rather than triggering your insecurities.
💬 Key Quotes
“Attachment styles aren’t about what’s wrong with you – they’re about what you learned to do to feel safe.”
“Your partner is not responsible for your happiness, but they should contribute to your emotional safety.”
“Avoidance is a strategy – not a personality. It’s what you learned to protect yourself.”
“Just because a feeling is familiar, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.”
“The goal is not to eliminate needs, but to express them in ways that invite closeness rather than fear.”
“Awareness is the first step toward attachment security. You can’t change what you don’t see.”
Would you like a visual chart comparing styles, a quiz to find your type, or a worksheet based on the book’s tools?
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